As busy as the lead up to Christmas is, after Christmas craziness can be even more insane. For instance, the craziness of decorating is mirrored in the necessity of un-decorating. The dishes that all of the food was made with and eaten on must be cleaned, the toys must be put together, software installed, books read, gift cards spent, movies watched... And then there are the exchanges- for a new color or size.
Today my mom and I had a lovely day in which we ran a lot of my errands. Things like switching out the model of new scriptures I'd gotten, picking up some school books at Barnes and Noble, returning some cardigans that didn't quite work, and exchanging some shoes for a half size smaller. It was really quite something spending all day running from place to place. And I was left thinking: is that really what my life is going to amount to when I get older? I mean today was great because I got to spend all day with my mom and we made a day out of it. But by the end I was going a little cross-eyed- I just wanted to be curled up at home. Doing that every day by yourself, or dragging complaining children around with you doesn't not sound like my idea of fun. I don't know how my mom has dealt with it for so long. Well I don't have to worry about that for a while- so we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I've always been a good student, but I think I missed a vital class somewhere along the way. You know that time in middle school and early high school where you learn how to flirt? Ya, I think I slept through that class. I should clarify, I'm not completely clueless. I can recognize when someone's trying to hit on me. And most of the time my ability to shut them down comes in handy because I'm not interested and we never have to get to the awkward dates, and even more awkward anti-DTRs. And I can be flirty when I really know a person and I'm comfortable with them. But the ability to strike up a conversation and be charming at the drop of a hat, at a party, with a complete stranger. I just don't know what to say and so I run in the other direction. I'm not kidding.
Exhibit A: Tonight, about 8:00 at a wedding reception. I hop into line with my mom to grab some punch. Cute boy standing behind us. He and I both go for punch ladle at the same time. He apologizes and lets me go first. He makes a statement about punch, I respond in kind. Then he compliments my hair. Now a lot of people compliment my hair, and I've met a lot of old ladies as a result, but when faced with a guy my mind goes blank. I just awkwardly thanked him and then briskly got my self to the other side of the room where my mom had sat down.
Why didn't I just coyly laugh at his forwardness, say something witty, and introduce myself? In retrospect I know that's what I should have done. I know that's what my roommates would have done. And they would do it without it being awkward in the least. In the end it worked out- girl in pink sweater was tailing him all night and I'm sure she would have been peeved had he struck up a long conversation with an anonymous red head.
It's amazing what knowing you're going to leave the world as you know it for a year and a half can do to a person's mentality. If you really want to see a movie, you see it, because soon you won't be able to. And you don't buy dresses that you can't take on your mission, because why would you buy something you can't use for a year and a half. And you realize that there are people you haven't seen in over a year and if you don't see them soon, it's going to be three years. And so you invite them over and they actually come and you have a blast. I think it's a good thing. It makes you focus on what really matters to you. And then gives you the gumption (for some reason I feel like that's a Tom Hanks word) to act.
I haven't been home in 7 months. That is a very long time. And boy does it feel good. The being home part, not the long time part.
I drove home with Landen. Some of our trip highlights:
Annie Waits- Mix CD Life is a Journey- Anastasia Soundtrack On the Radio- Regina Spektor Beautiful Soul-Cinderella Story Soundtrack Entire Wicked Soundtrack Agony- Into the Woods Soundtrack Bend and Break- Keane CASCADA!!!
Driving into Las Vegas is an amazing experience, but only if it's done right. You should come at night from the North on I-15. Nothing for miles and miles besides a couple of factories off to your right and invisible sagebrush to your left and then all of the sudden, you peak the crest, come up between two mountains, and the entire city is before you. You can see the tiny strip of hotels in the center, and then the mountain to mountain expanse of lights in between. I haven't seen that in... it's probably been years now. It was soooo wonderful tonight.
A thought:
I feel like my college life is pretty run of the mill. Compared to the normal college lifestyle, I lead a very tame existence. Lots of study and work. But it's funny how different you realize your life is when you aren't around college students. Like how you have to stay up and blog long after your family is asleep, because you haven't gone to sleep before midnight in...once again, it's probably been years. Luckily that's not true, but it's been long enough and rare enough that I don't remember.
Going back to my origional statement: Home life is way different. For example,
I walk in the door. Tracy: Mom, you bought a new Christmas Tree. I like it. Mom: I didn't buy a new Christmas Tree. Tracy: Are you sure, it seems quite a bit bigger than I remember.
I open the fridge. Tracy: Mom are we having a party of something this weekend. Mom: No, why do you ask? Tracy: There's just so much food in here. Mom: Well I went to shopping today. (I guess I should note the disimilarity between the eating habits of 6 college girls and 2 teenage boys. one group far out-eats the other).
*Situations and diologue quoted from life. I was legitimately suprised. Seriously.
I've just become so perfectly content with getting by, that I forgot what it was like to have my own room, well guest room. And I forgot what it was like to have access to a car. And a piano. And dogs. And to just buy new shoes when you need them. Or buy anything merely because you want it. It's amazing! I think it's good for me to be happy with what I have right now. With our apartment's little Christmas tree and our bare minimum groceries- I think we can get by with just milk, eggs, rice, pasta, bread, and maybe some concentrate juice for vitamins and minerals. Ok so we're not quite that bad, but almost. We only spent $46 a person for groceries in November AND December. Yep, we're amazing!
I love my life, and feel unbelievably blessed. But its nice to be home and not have to worry about any of that for at least a couple of days.
This is a very unusual Tuesday night. Wednesdays are normally my busiest days. 6-7 Wake up and Study? 8 Spanish Class 9 Read a kazillion pages before English class 10 English class 11 More English class 12 Lunch 12:30 Work 1 Work 2 Work 3 Choir 4 Class I TA for 5 Spanish Study Group 6 Blissful relaxation/clean my room 7 Dinner 8 ish Library 12 ish Sleep
Ya. See what I mean. So Tuesday night is normally full of me scrambling to be ready for Wednesday. However, I'm not doing any of that. Nothing. I finished my last exam this afternoon and so have no more school related responsibilities. It's wonderful. I have to admit I'm kind of guilty seeing everyone sleep deprived and stressed around me and not taking any part of that. I'm going to work tomorrow and I have to finish some stuff up for Dr. Snyder, but other than that... Life is dang good.
I am now taking suggestions on books I should read over the break.
Yesterday I got a text from my bishop saying that my mission papers were officially online for me to view. Yep, ladies and gents, ha comenzado. I'm not exactly sure what to think. It's exciting, and overwhelming, and so many other emotions in one. I'm starting to wrap my mind around what the next year and a half of my life will be like. But only slightly.
So that's it, that and I have to focus on studying for my last final which I'm taking this afternoon. I'm having serious issues accomplishing this. I've only gotten through a few pages of grammar in the last hour. So I better go and do that... But I thought I'd take a moment and share the awesome news.
Dear Harold, I have not decided if I like the fact that you are now open until 2 am. However, I have no intention of staying with you that late this semester so I guess thank you for staying open for the night owls who need it. A student P.S. That fire drill was lame.
Dear weekend, You could not come any sooner. Your ardent lover, Tracy
Examinador de español, Gracias por no es espantoso y reír a mis chistes. La estudiante con el pelo rosada
Dear cup of hot chocolate, Why do you have gross zest dregs at the bottom of you? It taints the deliciousness of the overall experience. Your adoring fan Tracy
Dear Thursday, You are actually Friday today, because there is no class tomorrow. Therefore, you temporarily rock! Enjoy it while you can, Tracy
I feel like such a slacker compared to everyone around me. If I had been studying as I should have all semester I wouldn't have to worry about this oral exam at all. But alas, yo necessito aprender hablar español antes de mediadia menos cuarto en la mañana. Oh ya and all those tenses we learned with irregulars etc. I should be conversational in them. No English what so ever is allowed to be used. If I have to explain something with the word telemetry, I should know how to say telemetry or get really creative. I'm about to go up to the library and all I really want to do is go to sleep. Oh well, I'll sleep after finals.
My location: Studying at the library Time: 10:23 PM Weather conditions: Snow on the ground Temperature: 3 degrees Date: Days before finals Disturbance: LIBRARY FIRE DRILL!!!! My state of mind: Not in the mood
This year has gone by so quickly. I can't believe that somewhere between summer hiking, trips to Idaho, and midterms December has crept up on me, but indeed it has. It's easy to live in denial of the ending year when there isn't snow on the ground. Somehow, snow seems to symbolize Christmas, and finals, and winter, and eminent new beginnings. But today, I can no longer live with the wool over my eyes. I don't think it's stopped snowing for over 24 hours. It's freezing, but a part of me is very happy inside. It's just so beautiful and cheery.
My roommates and I have been singing this song a lot lately. Probably a combined reaction to the weather and our ever-underlying desire to have a cute boy, preferably one that sings like this. So enjoy, and happy snow day.
My choir concerts and the amazing opportunity that they gave me to testify of my Savior, how much the Lord blesses you when you have a hard day, snow!, officially starting my mission papers, driving up to Salt Lake with some amazingpeople that I don't get to see as often as I'd like, seeing the prophet of God talk about Christmas, receiving counsel on what changes I need to make in my life and how to make them, spending the evening making gingerbread cookies and singing carols with the most amazing surrogatefamily ever!, and then staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking to my best friend about life and how grateful we are for our Heavenly Father.
I can't get over the opportunities that I have been blessed with. I don't know why I have been so blessed when others are lonely, in pain, cold, hungry, and grappling with doubt. But I intend not to take the gifts lightly.
I'm reading The Crying of Lot 49 by Thomas Pynchon for my English class. I've always loved Victorian and Edwardian Literature and only a few Renaissance texts by Donne, Shakespeare, and Milton could ever pull me away from that devotion. But surprise, surprise- I also love Post-Modern lit. It's absolutely insane. No really, sometimes it barely makes sense. Here's my favorite excerpt:
In Golden Gate Park she came on a circle of children in their nightclothes, who told her they were dreaming the gathering. But that the dream was really no different from being awake, because in the mornings when they got up they felt tired, as if they'd been up most of the night. When their mothers thought they were out playing they were really curled in cupboards of neighbors' houses, in platforms up in trees, in secretly-hollowed nests inside hedges sleeping, making up for these hours. The night was empty of all terror for them, they had inside their circle an imaginary fire, and need nothing but their own unpenetrated sense of community.
The sequence ends with her deciding not to believe in them any more and moving on. Crazy right? But I love the search for fulfillment and meaning amidst the chaos. Even if the meaning is that there is not meaning, that is a valid statement I can make. The way they portray emptiness and futility is how I imagine living without the gospel is. And their desire to search for some meaning, though for them often fruitless testifies to me the basic human instinct to find God. The fundamental knowledge that He is there for them to search out, even if they look in all the wrong places.
I also love the way they use symbols and the senses to express their themes. Everything is about symbols- deconstructing their supposed meanings. It's amazing how everything sensory is a symbol. Cathedrals are symbols of religion and devotion. The characters 4 and 9 together make a specific amount to us. Language is a system of audible symbols with certain meanings. But only because we've assigned that meaning. Even the words I'm typing only make sense because we've decided that they do. But they do. God uses symbols all the time. They are throughout the scriptures. They are the means for our communication now, and somehow I think they are His as well, though probably different. More perfect, because, as Post-Modernists are pointing out to me, the language I love is very problematic. But symbols are beautiful to me. I love knowing that there is something deeper that the tangible or audible object, just as there is something transcendent about life. I would be a very interesting Post-Modern scholar with all my hope and ideas of transcendence.
I realized something else as I was reading this novel and it slowly but surely became one of my favorite books: When I first started reading I was reading solely for content. I loved the repetitive fantasy genre because I loved living vicariously through the heroes/heroines. But when I classify a favorite book now, it is not longer because of what happens in the story. It's always difficult to explain why I love Tess of the d'Urbervilles. It's depressing and frustrating to read. I don't agree with many or even any of the actions of the characters--but I love the book. When I tell people I always say: "It's depressing, but the symbolism and themes are amazing! and Hardy's use of language is fantastic. I no longer correlate plot content in my equation for the label "Favorite Book". It's how the plot is communicated and how it functions in a broader picture. It's how the book makes me think and push my brain. It's interesting how much a person can change in just a few short years, but I certainly have.
Here are some of my favorites: Tess of the d'Urbervilles by: Thomas Hardy Paradise Lost: John Milton A Room With a View: E.M. Forester The Crying of Lot 49: Thomas Pynchon Peter Pan:J.M. Barrie The Kite Runner: Housseni
A Valediction Forbidding Mourning: John Donne Birches: Robert Frost Goblin Market: Christina Rossetti The Rime of the Ancient Mariner: Coleridge
3/10 are American. Yay we're making some progress.
