Silent Saturday

http://whi.s3.prod.lg1x8.simplecdn.net/images/682359/city_rain_umbrella_city_rain_dark_girls-8ddc8630eaca79ba4598a427e16e6bf3_h_large.jpg


It might be like this today, either way, I miss London and its bricked streets and pedestrian traffic.

My brain is officially fried

http://images.google.lt/images?um=1

It always happens right about now--end of February and early March. I don't know why I expected this year to be different, but it's frustrating nonetheless. I hate being irresponsible because I can barely keep my life together. Because when I sit down in front of a computer to write a paper or memorize vocab it's like cramming spaghetti through the eye of a needle. Cooked spaghetti. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, in fact I'm forgetting all the concepts I already learned. One second I feel like I might have it together again, and then 2 hours later I'm a frantic wreck.

I fall asleep in class, which is not a normal occurrence. I watch TV, also unusual. I forget things, important things. I have to back out of obligations just so I can get the bare minimum done. Is it wrong to wish for sanity? Or the ability to go without sleep? Or the ability to sleep more than 6 hours in a night? I know, 6 hours right? That should be sufficient for a college student. But it's not. Apparently 18 hours is not enough time to get everything done and 6 isn't enough to rejuvenate me. I think I'll start looking in every closet I can find until I discover Narnia or Hogwarts. Maybe they'll let me clean dishes and listen to Cascada with the house elves.

C'est la vie


I really need to stop complaining. I mean, this is what I signed up for. I knew life was going to be hard when I made the decision to come. I knew there would be a LOT of human limitations that I would have to deal with. I don't regret that decision for a second and I never will. The reality is that these experiences are a blessing and I learn a lot from them. I have a Heavenly Father who is helping me in every way he can. He wouldn't have sent me here to fail.

Knowing all this doesn't make days and weeks like this any easier... or does it. It's because of this knowledge that I get up in the morning and do everything I can to make today better than yesterday. To improve on one portion of yesterday that I failed at. Maybe I'll fail today too--there's always tomorrow, and the next day. Eventually I'll get the hang of it and move on to bigger and better things. And in ten years I'll look back and laugh at frustrated I was. How small of an issue it will seem to me then. Until that day, I'll just keep on going, and maybe write about it once in a while. Hope you're all having a wonderful Friday.

Cop out

In some ways I think a person can get to know someone better by reading their blog than by seeing them everyday at work or in class. People write what they're actually thinking and feeling and experiencing on their blog (or at least I do) whereas they might not share that with just a casual acquaintance. There is value in this form of communication. In how a person describes themselves. But there is also value in how others view them.

As a side-note, I've also been thinking about the collective experience lately, especially as I've been reading others' blogs. I read something someone else wrote and find a little bit of myself in it. Even if I wasn't there, even if I don't agree. Somewhere underneath it all everything connects. Like a grove of aspen. So this post is kind of a cop out. I didn't write very much. But it is a compilation of things written about me, or that resonated with me as I read them. Enjoy.

You see, some people like Michele and Rachel have taken time out of their busy days and blogged about me. What there is to blog about I'm not exactly sure, but apparently they see something.

And then there are those who've written about experiences that we shared:

like when Julie wrote about the class we have together,

or some London ladies make sport of BYU in all its quirkiness,

Landen blogging about our exciting household fire experience,

Sierra writing about Columbine,

and Lisa about being an Englishy nerd.

I know these experiences. I am a participant.





And then lastly, there are others that make me think and feel and love
(not that the others don't, these are just examples from recent days).

Like when Brittany posted quotes/poems by EBB and Emily Dickinson that reminded me why I love late 19th Century poetry,

like Jessie's post from Austria that made me cry at work because I felt human in the best sense of the word,

like this music on Amy's blog one day that made me feel inspired and happy inside.

Like Emma's photography that makes me want to drop everything and get on a plane and not stop until I've seen everything.

Like Laura who helps me have hope in the future.

I want you all to know that I love reading what you have to say. That while I learn a lot about myself writing on my blog, it's while reading yours that I learn the most about who I am and what I want to become. So thanks.

*All pictures were snipped from blogger profiles, except Michele's which came from her facebook.

Silent Saturday

Balloons in a blizzard as I walked home from campus yesterday

Continuity

Megan brought me home a beautiful scarf from an Egyptian bazaar as a souvenir from her escapades in the Near East. It's a rich teal and gold weave-- you've probably seen me wear it, because I wear it often. In fact I was wearing it today. Today as it snowed for hours, never really sticking to the ground, but creating puddles on the sidewalks and little droplets on my coat. And I was thinking of the person who made the scarf, or the one who sold it. To them, it's purpose was as a head wrap to shield from the sun. And here I was wearing their creation as an insulator about my neck, happy that it was keeping me warm, glad the melting snow didn't soak all the way through. The two are so completely different because we live in two completely different places. But me and the Egyptian stand owner thought that it was beautiful. That is the same no matter where we live and how we use it.

Gendered Academics

From: the Harvey Jackson collection found here

There are boys in the English major. Normal boys can like books. (I should probably say men, but I'm not going to. Just assume it's not a commentary on their masculinity and just a commentary on how I refer to my friends of the opposite gender.) So, like I was saying, there are boys in my classes. I should admit thought that although it's not quite as exclusive as say, the Elementary Ed or Nursing programs, there is definitely a slight dominance on the side of the girls. This is the class dynamic I'm used to.

But I'm taking a class in Near Easter Studies this semester which is the complete opposite. There is a group of boys in my class that have all taken similar classes, know the same professors, etc--they've created a fraternity (not in the frat boy sense, but in the actual definition sense). They all sit together behind the line of demarcation. There's a different type of witty repartee between them, they are more blunt, there's a unique version of confidence, an underlying alpha-male contention. It's very...different. The great thing about classes is that you play off of the other students, and so, because this class is out of the norm for me, I have to wheedle out a new role as commenter when I'm in class with them. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, adaptation is good, but it's new nonetheless. I'll get to learn how to be a little different kind of student. I don't know what to conclude from this observation, but I thought I would throw it out there because I was thinking it.

The Joys of Domesticity

I have just developed a testimony of domesticity.

Yesterday was absolutely insane. I was in class or working non-stop from 8 am to 6:45 pm. As I walked home exhausted, starving, and stressed out, cooking dinner was the last thing that I wanted to do upon returning to my apartment. But after dropping my backpack off and changing my clothes I quickly set about browning the sausage and chopping the green pepper.

Normally I feel irritable and lethargic when I get home from days like this All I want to do is lie down on the floor and listen to Regina Spektor, but I felt surprisingly at peace and happy as I was chopping . I was doing something productive. It was going to taste good (hopefully). It was Sausage Merengo. I love Sausage Merengo. And for over an hour I didn't have to memorize laws of physics or attempt to understand post-modern commentary. I could just have a couple minutes in the kitchen to myself.

I don't know that I'll ever look quite like the girl above, but I've certainly learned that you can enjoy the tasks that must be completed. That we need balance. Studying all the time isn't fun. Cleaning or cooking all the time isn't fun. But they have their time and place and provide necessary equilibrium. I think I'll balance out my day with some freshly baked cookies. That sounds like a good idea.

Mission Update

A few months ago I made a big announcement on here. That I was going to leave everything for 18 months and preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. Here's the update on that.

My papers are almost done! It's a rather long and involved process. You aren't allowed to submit them until 90 days before the day you are available to leave. Mine is May 5th, meaning February 5th is when mine were first able to go in. However, as I was informed last week, my doctor didn't finish all of the tests she was supposed to. The TB test that would have been so easy to do over break when I didn't have work and classes, was never completed. So I'm finishing that up now. Unfortunately scheduling in an hour to go over to the Health Center and have this done between the hours of 8 and 5 is easier said than done. I currently have an appointment for next Tuesday, a week from today, but I'm toying around with taking time off work to do it this week.

We'll see what happens. I guess if nothing else I'm working on improving my patience skills. Something tells me I'm going to need those when I'm knocking on doors all day long. Anyway. I'll let you know where I'm going just as soon as I know. Expect a big flag taking over my page in the near future.

Hopes and Dreams

brendanhoward

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Happy Valentines Day!

P.S. I watched this movie today. And it is beautiful.

Silent Saturday

courtesy of me and me camera phone today at Red Rock

Hey Tracy

This is Michele. You forgot to log out on my computer. So hello. This is me.

From: Jujubooks

Pillow Talk

From: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kenmarie3/4104897156/

Being an only daughter with two younger brothers means you get your own room. This is nice, but I think there are some fundamental things about life that you miss out on. You miss out on the relationship that builds between two people that share their most intimate space. Some of my favorite discussions happen with Michele around 1:00 in the morning when we're both exhausted and very ready to drift into the land of rest and subconscious but get side tracked. Pillow talk I guess you could say.

After you finish the day that you jammed full of things to do and people to see. After you've decided to be done with that for a little while and in the process allow your true essence, your real wandering thoughts loose that's when it happens. Sometimes these conversations with Michele can get a little out of control. Me at 1:00 in the morning is a slightly insane experience at times. I will break out in random songs that I feel connect to what is said, stuff like that. But in between all the insanity we are able to talk about things that really matter. Politics, relationships, love, marriage, religion, scriptures, life, the people we love... Last night we had the most beautiful discussion about pre-mortality and our savior Jesus Christ and agency. And I feel like I learned so much from the discussion. About these topics, about Michele, about everything. Why has this not been a part of my life before. It's one of my favorite things ever. Better than English class or choir rehearsal or even roommate dinner or girls night. And I love all of the above.

P.S. Why did couples choose different rooms one hundred years ago. I'm not even married and I know they were missing out- on the talking of course, they did have children.

Silent Saturday

From: http://news.byu.edu/archive10-Jan-tartuffe.aspx


I'm going to this play tonight! Soooo excited.

Bandwagon

A strange social networking phenomenon has occurred a few times in the last couple of months. Those of you who frequent Facebook probably noticed and/or participated in one of them. Whether it's for publicity or a cause or just because, somebody starts something like Doppelganger week and before you know it, you don't recognize anyone of the friends on your homepage because their profile pictures are now celebrities who look like them.

I'm generally slightly disconcerted by these trends the first day, but by the third I want to participate. It's that bandwagon- I guess I'm just a sucker. I still hold to the belief that I'm an individual with unique thoughts who stands by her instincts and not just someone who bends with the wind's direction. It's postmodernism at work, right? I'm willing to deconstruct my initial thoughts and make an educated decision based on a new paradigm of understanding. It helps me realize that there's nothing wrong with putting Katherine Hepurn as my profile picture, it's just a bit of fun. I'm not selling out to a mainstream trend, or maybe I am, but does it really matter. Anyway, those are my thoughts after a long hard week of tests, papers, books, lectures, little sleep, and a good meal every night of the week.

The Little Things

This morning was a blur. A frantic blur. I woke up and hopped right in the shower. I was ready for the day over 30 mins before my lab this morning, which never happens. I feel like I've been late almost every week for that class. But today I was on top of things, that is until I went to put on my glasses and realized they were no where to be found.

None of the normal places- the desk, bedside table, the bathroom. Then I checked my bed, sometimes they end up there if I fall asleep studying, which I did last night. Not there either. Well maybe they fell off my bed. So I pulled everything out from underneath my bed and crawled down there to feel around. No luck. That's about when I started to panic. I had all of my remaining roommates scouring our somewhat clean apartment for them. We checked trashcans, refrigerators, boxes I haven't opened in weeks. Everything to no avail.

Three very lucky occurrences salvaged my day:
1. My TA teaches a later lab section. So I just went to the 5:00 lab this afternoon instead.
2. Lisa has the same prescription as me and decided to wear contacts today. So I was able to go to my 9:30 class with the ability to see.
3. When I came home from lunch I decided to check under my bed one more time...and they were there!!!

So life is good despite the rough start I had today. But experiences like that really make you grateful for the little things you hardly ever think about... like 20/20 vision (with the assistance of glasses). I had no idea how dependent I was on my ability to see clearly. I started thinking about missing class, calling in to work, and sitting out of my Women's Chorus rehearsal just because everything was fuzzy and that was uncomfortable, if not a little bit scary. How lucky I am that I have a pair of glasses. That I have eyes in the first place and can see the majesty of the mountains as I walk home from campus and stand out on the balcony with my roommates just to watch the sun set. How lucky I am to know that all of these blessings: my found glasses, my eyes, and the mountains and sun, have been given to me by the creator of all things. That I can see his influence in my life and be changed by it.